this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I FOUND THE LEGS
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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