This dress was meant to end up on your floor
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
