If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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