so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
