It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
