you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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