hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
