Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
