I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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