Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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