it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
i've created a new STD.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
