It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
