haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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