benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
