I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
you mean i was at the winter classic?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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