Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
