Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
