Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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