You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
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I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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