I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
