She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
