i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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