I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
