It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
