a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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