Pants 0. Shit 1.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
