My cat gives me a boner
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Shame is for Republicans.
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