the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
