I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Success! We fucked roommates!
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
