we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize