Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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