I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
