my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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