Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
