So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
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He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
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We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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