I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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