Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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