I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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