just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Randomize
