Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
