are you still at the devil's house?
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
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