i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
