I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
