K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
