It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
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