I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'm bleeding and have questions
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
