you're like a bully in the Christmas story
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
