On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
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