I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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