i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
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Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize