i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
