Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
