My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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