Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
