OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
You don't make any sense
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