I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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