I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
