If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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